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Hello, and welcome to Final Fantasy Answers. What question do you have today?

You know, nothing brings me more delight than nitpicking the plot of a shitty story. And I started this as a full review, but it ended up in development limbo. But I remembered how much fun I had nagging on this, and I wanted to continue and share it. So for all you fans, here's my review of the story behind one of the worst games ever made, Sonic the Hedgehog 2006.

Story

The story of Sonic 06 is to good fiction what the sounds of nails grinding across a metal wall in a room of panicking chickens is to music. Bear with me here, if the story sounds bad, it's not my faulty recollection, it's because this plot makes no fucking sense. I’m going to review the entire plot. Why? So you can REALLY get a grasp of how crap this game is. And because I want to. I enjoy nothing more than picking things apart. So enjoy.

Sonic’s Story: Yeah, there’s multiple stories.

The opening is essentially this. Doctor Robotnik kidnaps a princess, Sonic tries to save her, Princess is revealed to be the key of the “Flames of Disaster”, Sonic beats up a shitton of robots, (This cutscene looks really impressive, by the way, to the point it gives a misleading impression about the rest of the game.) Sonic zips off with the princess as another hedgehog with a Marijuana leaf for a hairdo mutters something about an “Iblis Trigger.”

Now it’s time to bring on the suck as the game suddenly takes a dip in overall quality with choppy looking graphics, and suddenly really bad voice acting. Sonic puts Elise down, and she is immediately captured by Robotnik who drags her away into his space ship. Pffffffft! Meanwhile, Sonic just quietly watches him fly away with the princess as if he was gazing at the stars. After all, it’s not like he can run insanely fast or anything.

One absurdly long load time later.... WAit, did it just suddenly become broad daylight in just a few minutes? It just was pitch frickin’ black at the start of the game!

Anyway, you’re introduced to the overworld, which is a cheap knockoff of Venice. Take a few steps forward, ‘ey, there’s Tails! He seems to know exactly EVERYTHING that happened at the start of the game and decides to tag along with you. Tails drops a hint that you need to find a store to get a device that’ll allow you to access the first area (How the heck does he just happen to know that, or where Sonic’s supposed to be going, and why didn’t he just get it for us?!)

So you go to a store and talk to an old man who sells you special shoes...Okay, here’s the thing. Look at Sonic’s feet. They are like, twice the size of a normal person’s. Why did this guy happen to have shoes that fit Sonic’s feet and why do they look EXACTLY like Sonic’s normal shoes?

Pointless run through the rings mission. (I’m not kidding.) The guy gives you the shoes for free because he’s just happy someone’s wearing them. (Facepalm) Oh wait, that’s NOT the device Tails was talking about? Well...Why the fuck do we need these shoes then? (Yes, the game actually forces you to get them.)

Go to the store and grab the Light Ring or whatever the hell it’s called, and now you can ring dash into the first level...And if you listen closely, you can hear Tails fall into the water and die. Okay, a beach level, just like Sonic Adventure, we’re off to a great star...WHY IS SONIC RUNNING SO SLOW?! Yeah...Sonic in this game is SLOW! Think about that....That defies the very concept of the character. Sonic Wiki claims his fastest CONFIRMED speed is 761 MPH, so...again, why is he so slow in this game... Also, he’s able to run on walls now for some reason...

One run through the beach, a stupid line about the whales “Woah, that’s a big one!” and some Orca wrangling later, (You play as Tails at one point between then...I’ll get into him later.) you are introduced to “speed sections” which is a on rails section where Sonic is suddenly really fast...Only now he controls like shit because you can’t hardly steer him. And if you crash? Ya die. End of story.

Another absurdly long load time later....

They lose the ship as it passes over the ocean. Sonic seems strangely entranced by a feather he finds while Tails mentions “Well, that’s botched, let’s go back to town!” and the two run off. Yet another absurdly long load time. One more expedition to the shop for the Anti-gravity chip and saving a girl who was...perfectly fine...I’m sorry, WHO added this section? You don’t even save her. She just tells you “Eggman went to the desert!”

Load Times: A new hope.

Now we gotta jump into a magic mirror and go to the desert. Cutscene of Elise in a desert ruin as this voice says “Don’t cry, no matter what happens.”

I___I Eh?

Sonic rushes in and finds Elise. The mirror dropped him right where she was...Gee, how convenient and totally not lazy writing. Also, Robotnik makes you fight a Zoid.

A boss fight happens, with you suddenly in some old coliseum as the Giga-Poochie attacks. Just a little hint, to show how glitchy this game is...if you hit this thing at the wrong angle, you will be shot into the sky and die. Yeah. That’s not part of the fight...that’s a glitch. You have to hit this thing with precision or the bad programming will screw you over. This happened to me TEN TIMES!

Giga-poochie dies, and at this point when I was playing, on the results screen, Sonic was facing the WRONG DIRECTION in his pose. What? How does that even happen? He’s supposed to have his back to the camera, looking back at you, but in my incident, it happened with him in reverse. Tails bails (Say that outloud) on you, and you have to run through the level carrying Elise. Elise APPARENTLY has the ability to generate a force field so you don’t sink into the sand and die, but the game forgets to tell you how to make her do this or even that she can.

Suddenly they are in a grassy field that closely resembles a generic Windows Wallpaper. Weren’t they just in the desert? Where did this come from? Elise cuddles against Sonic as he carries her (Woah woah woah! Woah! What?) Elise mentions Sonic is hurt by pointing out his obviously bloody arm...Actually, no, his arm looks just fine, they didn’t render the injury on his character model...

At this point, you can REALLY notice the difference between realistic Elise and Cartoon Sonic, and it looks STUPID. You know Who Framed Roger Rabbit, when Bob Hoskins was acting alongside a cartoon character? It looks like that. Only in this case, they were actually trying to make Sonic blend into this style of graphics without changing his look. Just run it through your head how dumb that sounds.

A butterfly lands on Sonic’s nose and Elise shoos it, making this pointless scene even more stupid. Plot stuff happens as Elise reveals the Flames of Disaster are...the Flames of Disaster, pretty much. She tries to go into this big exposition about what they are, citing what the title makes obvious. Sonic and Elise suddenly start running through the grassy fields holding hands...In case you’re wondering, I am being COMPLETELY honest about this. Swear to god...You can find this scene on Youtube if you think I’m full of crap.

The Load Times strike Back.

Suddenly, they are back in town and green light attacks Sonic. The Pot leaf Faced hedgehog from the opening attacks with...psychic powers, really, we are grasping at anything that’ll make a character in this series anymore.... He calls Sonic the Iblis Trigger and a boss fight ensues. By the way, if you attack this guy, no, if you even get close to him at ANY point except when he’s about to throw stuff at you, he WILL grab you and throw you at a wall.This is unavoidable. Luck or chance doesn’t factor here, he WILL ABSOLUTELY ALWAYS DO THIS...and if he runs out of shit to throw at you...you’re fucked. Yeah....REally bad boss fight design.

Princess Elise is kidnapped by Robotnik again as Sonic and Pot Leafhead fight...you know...At least Peach and Zelda get kidnapped only ONCE per game... PLH does not give a shit and keeps attacking Sonic, who is then rescued by-OH GOD! NOT THIS BITCH! Yup, it’s Amy...Amy attempts to protect Sonic, who...runs away and lets her deal with it by herself. Think about this...Sonic just left Amy to fight a guy who kicked HIS ass...Actually, that’s what I’d do too. I frickin’ hate Amy.

Also, I love how Amy going “Ab-So-Lute-Ly-NOT!” to Silver (Yes, his name is Silver. I got sick of doing marijuana jokes.) trying to kill Sonic was supposed to sound dramatic, but failed on execution...

A guard asks you to find the commander of his unit before he’ll let you progress to the next level to save Elise...By the way, THIS guy’s the commander in question, this very guard I just mentioned...He’s just fucking with you, the very guy who is trying to save his kingdom’s only known Royalty...So you gotta do a mini game where this guy makes you search all around town for...himself and wasting time that can be better used rescuing his boss, nay, his boss’ boss and his very town’s leader.

Wouldn’t this technically be like, treason?

Return of the Load Times. Jump into a warehouse and randomly fight a bunch of robots. These things just come right the hell out of nowhere without even so much as a cutscene! Load Times: The Phantom Menace. Yeah...there wasn’t a point to fighting those robots. Now you meet Knuckles, who has a hologram from Eggman, telling you to give him the Chaos emerald in exchange for Elise to be freed. Tails thinks Eggman is full of shit.

Well, when you think about this...We’ve already established Eggman’s entire plan revolves around Elise. The whole trick to his plan is that he needs Elise...why did Sonic think for a second that Eggman would give her up?

Another pointless battle with robots that’s just...there. Again, there’s not even a cutscene to transition into it, a load screen, and oop, there they are! Sonic has to infiltrate Eggman’s snow base...yeah, you’re just suddenly transitioned to a snow base level...And if that’s not dumb enough, enjoy this really stupid line Sonic says. “This is a really cold place for a base.”

Really, I didn’t know secret lairs needed a certain temperature to function, they must be like lizards. Dumbass.

Load Times: The Absurdly long wars. If you haven’t figured it out by now, this game’s got INCREDIBLY bad load times.

Now we get to the hostage exchange scene, and Eggman threatens to hurt Elise if Sonic doesn’t hand the Chaos emerald he’s got over. Now...here’s the thing. Sonic already KNOWS Eggman can’t afford to kill Elise. He admitted at the start of the game that she’s the centerpoint of his frickin’ plan! If nothing else, Sonic should know from personal experience Eggman doesn’t actually take to often killing his hostages. He never even tries. Also, he does not have a weapon pointed on Elise. There is not a single damn thing he can use to harm her, the room is EMPTY, and all that’s between him and Sonic is a sheet of glass. And didn’t we establish moments ago Elise has MAGIC that would be handy for escaping from Eggman, who is only restraining her through the grip of his freakishly huge hand? Guess it has a plot convenient dimmer switch or something....

Sonic has himself, Knuckles, and Tails who...both randomly appeared out of nowhere...And what does Sonic do here? He gives up the emerald, fearing for Elise’s safety. You. Goddamn. IDIOT.

Observative note, you can actually see Robotnik’s eyes in this scene...IT’s creepy. Robotnik presses a button and you’re randomly sent to the future for whatever reason....

You see...This is the kind of weak bullshit you’re taught in Third Grade Writing class to NEVER do. WHY did Robotnik just randomly send them to the future for anything other than for the sake of “We need to get into the Time Travelling that’s focused in this story!” He wouldn’t. The Robotnik I know would have locked the door and had a fuckload of guns come out of the walls! It makes no sense! There is no point to why he just did that!

Oh, and to make the plot even more convoluted, you IMMEDIATELY find Rouge the Bat and Shadow the Hedgehog like...2 seconds after falling into the future...yeah...Don’t ask.

They take a minute to explain that you’re in the future...which we already knew. You then see the future is some post apocalyptic volcanic shithole, basically. Sonic suggests Shadow use Chaos Control to get them back to the past, which yeah...that’s the most rational conclusion, ask the guy who can control time to send you into the past...But Shadow won’t actually do it for some reason, so we’re off to...according to this load screen “Find the database”.

....What goddamn database?!

For some reason, Sonic suddenly has a snowboard and you have to ride down the destroyed buildings....*Sighs* They make this just...not even fun to pick at the flaws. I’m not even going to ask where the hell the board came from, I really don’t want to know. Another glitch...Hitting the geysers of fire in this level will bounce you out of the area and kill you.

You also have to run from a tornado...made of fire...that’s throwing cars at you...And if that wasn’t ridiculous enough for you, Sonic says another stupid line. “That tornado’s carrying a car!” Who the hell is he even talking to?! So after that really stupid point, I am NOT getting into how absurd the concept of a fire tornado is, we find a door! I love how everything in this world is on fire and destroyed and all...Yet the “Caution” sticker on this door is perfectly fine.

So we get into some plot. Silver is seen on the other side of the door talking with what appears to be a Shadow recolor...No, seriously. It’s just Shadow with grey quill patterns instead of red. And no mouth. I’m not sure if they fucking seriously forgot to give this guy a mouth or if that’s supposed to be like that. Oh right. Also, Blaze from Sonic Rush is in this game too, though it does not explain why.  

Anyway, this scene pieces together that Sonic is the “Iblis Trigger” and somehow he is attached to the destruction of the world. Now, this scene REALLY ticks me off for one particular reason. See, when Mephiles (The Shadow Recolor’s name) and Silver are talking about Sonic, Blaze utters the words “Blue hedgehog” under her breath...As if she knows Sonic, which if this is after Sonic Rush...She does. Yet the game at no point pursues this any further than this one line. You’d think Blaze would react a little more to hearing a friend she fought to save the world with destroys it...Like, more like this.

[http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cLyxmD_UAK4

Maybe a little fight between her and Mephiles that’s somewhat akin to this.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UXoNE14U_zM

Instead, we get “Blue hedgehog”...and nothing else. Now, the reason why I bring this up is because Blaze’s involvement in the plot has ZERO explanation, and yet thousands of fan theories, ranging from alternate dimension self, to amnesia, pre-Sonic Rush chronological placement, absolutely none of which explain why she doesn’t know Sonic and yet still says “Blue hedgehog” like it’s something to note.

Though there was that guy who suggested that it’s NOT the Sonic Rush Blaze, but she just happens to find a “blue hedgehog” fascinating because it sounds strange, which would make sense if this wasn’t a purple pyromancer anthropomorphic cat we were talking about.

Anyway, Mephiles sends the two on their quest to kill Sonic and rewrite the past. (Can I just drop this in here that along with the similar backstories, Silver’s voice actor is the same guy who did Trunks in Dragonball Z? That can’t be a coincidence. Especially since it’s only for this game and in everything else, he’s voiced instead by Quinton Flynn.)

Tails gets on the computer and finds out Elise died when Robotnik’s ship crashed in the past...Funny how that just happened to take like, 2 seconds for him to pull up...But now, we’ve got to go back to the past for a reason other than to just get out of this dump.

And so it is onward to watching Rouge smacktalk Knuckles, and watching Knuckles smacktalk Rouge, which is quite obviously the same bit of animation reused twice within a single minute of the cutscene. Also, Tails knows where a Chaos Emerald is using a Chaos Emerald locator that he...wait...where is this locator, shouldn’t he be holding it or is it embedded in his eye? Seriously. He’s not holding anything, nor is there any type of device anywhere on his person in this scene. Time to run through a volcano with a bunch of enemies made of lava everywhere. Because that makes sense.

And here is a HILARIOUS glitch I wanted to share. Once while running through this level, I fell into the lava and died. When I was progressing through the level on the next life...I saw a dead Sonic still laying there on the lava where I died. It didn’t remove the fallen Sonic model when it rebooted the level...I’ve been told apparently this happens in other levels as well.

Go through the volcano and in the core you find a...giant lava worm. Apparently this is Iblis, this unintimidating looking generic fire serpent. This boss fight is boring as shit. Iblis just shoots fireballs at you and occasionally knocks down a stalagmite for you to cross in order to be able to attack him. Repeat until you die of boredom.

So Iblis dies, you get a chaos emerald, and...Shadow already had one?! Chaos control is used, and probably the shittiest looking rift animation ever emerges. The heroes jump into it and *Boop* gone.

And now Sonic is back in the present, and finds a plot convenient newspaper just laying right in front of him. Shadow and Rouge are mysteriously gone, so we’re stuck with the two who’ve provided absolutely NO help at all up to this point... Something strange is this town is called Soleana, yet the paper says “Soreana”...Engrish!

Now it’s off to another level, where we have to stop a train that’s supposedly carrying Elise in it that’s about to hit a bunch of explosives...umm...Why was there no explanation for this? Thisis just what I gleaned from on the fly observation when you enter the level. Another speed section like the first level, and it is actually to my knowledge impossible to avoid the explosions that happen in this section...Goddammit Sega...

Suddenly Sonic is carrying Elise in his arms, and Silver attacks you again. Elise gets kidnapped by Robotnik, YET AGAIN, and Shadow, like Amy, busts you out of trouble against Silver, who I think we’ve established has hit stupid fan character levels considering this is the second time he’s proven he can wreck Sonic’s shit.

You ever read a dumb fan fiction where the author’s character is constantly pwning the fuck out of every actual series character, just so the author can make it look like his character is so damn awesome? And instead, you just think “God, this character’s shit for development. He’s dull as fuck, you know he’ll beat EVERYTHING.” Well, Silver is that kind of character.

Sonic runs off to catch Elise. On Eggman’s floating hovercraft thing, Elise threatens to jump to her death...Surprisingly, Robotnik does not try to stop her. And Elise...actually jumps! But hey, Sonic caught her. And Robotnik throws a boss fight robot at you.

Nothing particular to talk about with this one...That doesn’t mean the fight’s any good, though. Though after you kill it, the boss will try to suicide bomb you...but if the game’s feeling glitchy, the robot will instead be hilariously shot into the air upon impact and explode, making you laugh your ass off.

Sonic praises Elise for attempting to fall to her death (I AM NOT JOKING HERE) and after a brief chat, they run into a jungle. Another level where you gotta carry Elise, who is apparently capable of making Sonic able to run on water.

This level SUCKS. Why? Glitchy swing vines will kill you if you don’t time the jump right, glitchy halfpipe will shoot you back to the base of the halfpipe, glitchy speed boosters shoot Sonic in the wrong direction, sending you flying off the platform, another glitchy speed booster may shoot you past a large section of the level, VERY BAD FRAMERATE DROPS, Sonic’s character model will randomly spazz out and a LOT of stupid lines from Sonic.

“Let’s go straight up!”

“We’re getting out of the cave!”

“Let’s rip!” <-----Wut.

Oh god...this cutscene, no! I’m going to do this scene special...in Manuscript form.

(Sonic is carrying Elise as the two run through a forest.)

Elise: It looks like we lost them. (It is unknown who exactly she is talking about. Locke assumes more of the game’s shitty writing.)

Sonic: I’ll settle things here.

(Camera pans up to the sun shining through the tree canopy.)

Sonic: Elise, you should go back to the castle.

Elise: Okay... (Sonic pauses, looking at Elise before suddenly turning and running to the right. Elise looks around, slightly confused.)

Elise: Sonic?

(Face shot of Elise as she looks out, expressing amazement as the camera pans to the scene of a small lake with a single blossoming tree on an island. Sonic stops and lets Elise down near the water. Elise wanders the shore.)

Elise: I’ve never seen so many flowers before. (Locke notices there are no flowers. Elise holds her hands out.)

Sonic? Have you visited many wonderful places before?

Sonic: (Delivers line in too cheerful a tone.) Yeah!

Elise: Once you defeat Eggman...(Turns around to face Sonic.) ...You’ll leave, won’t you?

(Sonic hesitantly turns around and nods slowly. One of Sonic’s eye sockets appears to have been rendered larger than the other.)

Elise: Though I’ve been frightened many times, I’ve also enjoyed this adventure. It allowed me to be something other that a princess. (Horrible line incoming!) I was able to be myself...a girl. (Locke vomits.)

Sonic: I guess being a princess isn’t that easy. (Jason Griffith completely phones it in on his line, but we forgive him for that because it was the worst fucking line Sonic’s had yet anyway.)

(Face shot of Elise.)

Elise: It isn’t sometimes. But I love this country. Everyone in the castle, the children, all my citizens really...The same love my late father and mother had.

(Flashback of the Duke of Soleana.)

Duke: (Stroking child Elise’s hair.) Don’t cry, Elise. Become a strong queen who never cries, not matter what happens.

(Flashback ends.)

Elise: And so, I do my best to protect my country. I understand everything my parents said to me now. Sonic, if you leave here to go on another adventure...Remember this place.

Sonic: Definitely. (Clenches fist.) ...Elise?

Elise: I’m fine...really. (Mouth quivers.) I mustn’t cry....I can’t...(Runs over and hugs Sonic.)

Sonic: (Strokes Elise’s shoulder.)

Elise...smile. (Cutscene’s over. Thank god!)

So our story takes us back to Soleana, and apparently Robotnik has had enough screwing around. He demands that Elise bring herself back into his custody, or he’ll completely wipe the city off the map using the giant scary looking Starship hovering above it. And despite Robotnik’s typically comical character, I honestly think the fat bastard would actually do it.

Elise, who is inexplicably back at her castle, believes he is telling the truth and leaves to be recaptured. It’s time for Tails to shine in the spotlight as we return to Wave Ocean, the first level of Sonic’s story.

Now, seeing as Tails is the playable character in this level, I figured I’d explain how he’s different from Sonic. Series fans are already aware Tails can propel himself in the air with his two tails, so we will not be discussing that. However, Tails’ main mode of attack is to throw rings. These look completely identical to the rings you pick up throughout the levels, however, you cannot pick these up for health. In fact, this gets very annoying because there is no way to tell Tails’ rings from the rings in the level. Aside from this and the ability of limited flight, however, there is very little difference in how Tails plays from Sonic.

Though my main gripe with this is that Sonic Adventure 1 had Tails capable of melee attacking, which proved to be a solid way of doing his character...so why throw rings?

So after Tails completes his level, we go to a scene of Robotnik talking to Elise. Robotnik chastises Elise for wasting his time, though it is still not entirely clear what the point of him needing her for the Flames of Disaster is, and if anyone says “Eggmanland”, I will kill myself.

Oh wait, he says it right here...Derp! Robotnik goes into explaining that the Flames of Disaster are linked to the god Solaris, who the people of Soleanna worship as their guardian deity, and whom is some key point of the story I completely neglected to mention. And I apologize.

Pay attention here, this is an important detail for those who are actually interested in this story.

Basically, Solaris is the God of Time, though why he is named after a Sun God escapes me, and the Flames of Disaster are the key to his power. Robotnik wishes for this power so he can be the eternal ruler of time, and dominate the world in past, present, and future. Least it’s not building a fucking theme park this time like he did in Sonic Unleashed and Shadow the Hedgehog...And Sonic Colors...Actually, this plan sounds pretty damn cool.

Also, when asked about the Flames of Disaster, Robotnik cryptically answers Elise by saying “It lies dormant within you.” Yes...There’ll be a point where I explain this, but it is not in Sonic’s story. Suddenly you are back to playing as Sonic...who is inexplicably rejoined with Tails without a cutscene to explain the reunion...Ugh...!

Also, at this point, you are able to by a device that allows Sonic to run faster....Think about that. You have to BUY a device that allows Sonic, the “Fastest thing alive” to be fast in this game...yeah...That’s stupid.

So in order to save Elise, we have to go do the Trials of Soleanna...Yes, these are mandatory. I don’t know why, I really don’t...Doesn’t explain why...But you gotta do them.

Trial of Intelligence: Jump through a series of portals that appear around an area until you just happen to end up at the goal ring on top of a tree...has nothing to do with intelligence. It’s more like a trial of luck.

Trial of Courage: Is basically just a gauntlet where you have to kill all enemies without getting hit. The problem with this is that combat for Sonic essentially amounts to homing attacking the hell out of enemies that...really don’t put up much of a fight, it’s repetitive and painfully boring. And it doesn’t really test your courage either...More of Test of Seeing if you can beat up generic looking robots!

Final Test: The Test of.....oh my god...Test of...ugh! This is the dumbest part of this game...The TEST OF LOVE! <3 <3 <3 Just kill me now...What, did Lauren Faust write this part of the game?

What? You want to know what the test of love is? Okay...Basically, the game makes you choose who Sonic’s “love” is...From a choice of either Elise or Amy...Well, goddammit, I don’t like either of them! Can I skip this?

NO!? Fuck...There’s really no correct answer for this one, but it’s essentially the choice between a sandpaper massage and acupuncture with a hammer. Series fans may know what I mean, but for some reading who aren’t Sonic fans...Amy is INSANELY annoying. She is basically Sonic’s stalker, and the people at Sega can’t decide if they’re a couple or if Sonic really can’t stand the bitch and can’t run away from her fast enough...She follows him eveeeeeeeeeerywheeeeeeeeeere...

So with that mind numbingly bad waste of time done, a giant eagle appears to take you to the next level. A giant castle. A bunch of robots appear, but Silver kills them with horribly animated Psychic powers. Sonic and him talk, Sonic does a really gay looking tap of his cheek with a finger, and the two need to work together because for some reason, Silver now has to rescue the princess. And the level starts.

And the game gives the laws of physics the middle finger once again by making Sonic capable of riding on rails made of air...yeah...it’s as dumb as it sounds. After completely destroying the precious Soleanna historical landmark that is this castle, the scene shifts back to Robotnik’s ship. The engines are failing! Oh my god, plot shit we knew about is happening before our very eyes, the horror! The ship is seen exploding over the horizon...actually, there’s no explosion, it vanishes over a hill and the scene gets tinted orange.

This is seen by a mourning Sonic who cries out Elise’s name, Silver, and...where the hell did Blaze come from?! This scene would be sad if...Everyone didn’t completely hate Elise. But Silver has a plot convenient idea! He suggests using Chaos control to send Sonic back in time and on board Robotnik’s ship before it crashes! Because every problem is solved with these increasingly badly written Chaos Emeralds! Ugh...it’s like...I like the concept of super powerful rocks, but this is getting ridiculous...

Sonic goes back in time and has to...ring bells to open the gate to the next level...oh god...

So you go to an aquatic base to stop the launch of the Egg Carrier. This level is probably the worst in Sonic’s playthrough...not much to talk about, it’s just a boring level...There’s these magnetic balls floating around the level that will throw off Sonic’s homing attack, too...There’s a part of the level where you have to walk a large ball to the other end of a room while making sure some lasers don’t pop it. Dumb.

Also, Tails in this level, that really doesn’t make any sense, how did he know to come here, since he didn’t come back with you. Wouldn’t this be before he went to Wave Ocean?

So Sonic manages to board the Egg Carrier just as it’s taking off, and the scene of the carrier crashing repeats...Only Sonic is in the bridge now...Robotnik throws a big fit about Sonic getting in the way all the time, and apparently there’s suddenly enough time for a boss battle before the ship crashes this time...

This scene almost makes you forget you’re playing such a horrible game. Seriously, it’s awesome, the dramatic exchange, the music buildup, everything. It’s like Sonic and Robotnik were about to settle the score once and for all in a final fight to the death.

So this is the final battle of Sonic’s story. You are inexplicably on the underside of the Egg Carrier and treated to a scene of Robotnik boarding a Dragon-like robot called the Egg Wyvern. This fight is actually not bad, I thought it was pretty good for a boss fight...from this game. The robot looks cool, the fight’s actually pretty good, and there’s a little bit of throwback to Sonic Adventure. There’s really no glitches to note in this level.

The Wyvern is destroyed. You are treated to a scene of Robotnik attempting to flee as his hovercraft falls apart, only for him to fall back to Earth in nothing but the seat as he hilariously bounces off a piece of debris...Sonic and Elise bail as the Egg Carrier explodes, and apparently on top of running insanely fast, Sonic can jump 200 feet from a standing start...Sonic leaps to the nearby cliff, just a few feet away from making it, but an engine conveniently crashes underneathe and blasts him and Elise upward while somehow not killing him.

They land upon the cliff and start to laugh, Sonic complementing that Elise has a nice smile as the two give a repulsing wink to each other, and I shudder at that scene....The screen fades to black and the credits roll. Cue a bad pop song to go with it. Ugh.

Locke’s opinions:

To be honest...there were points I liked Sonic’s story, and parts I hated it. For one thing, I honestly felt that Robotnik was a pretty dignified villain in this game instead of the bumbling dope he usually is. I liked the more realistic take on his character, and I would go so far as to call it the best performance of his career as a video game antagonist, not counting the comics or the 90’s cartoon series. However, I felt that he didn’t do enough outside of chasing Elise around.

Sonic is horribly written in this game. While he doesn’t change much from his overall personality in the series, the corny writing in this game’s script made him suffer. Also, the awkward romance between him and Elise was just gag-worthy...Nevermind the fact that it’s a hedgehog and a human girl, the very fact it’s so tacked on and forced to the point it swallows the rest of the plot just ruins Sonic’s involvement in this game...How many love interests does this guy need? Goddamn.

Now, let me just verify that I don’t see the relationship between Elise and Sonic as awkward because she’s a human, and he’s a hedgehog. No...I hang out with furries, so I’m desensitized to stuff like that in fiction. Believe me. I’ve seen much worse than that. I’m calling the romance awkward because it’s just rammed in. There’s no time to really develop this relationship, it just happens. Their romance is based around the 4 times Sonic has had to save Elise. They’ve had no time to even get to know each other as people. It’s just there. That’s the awkward thing. This is the kind of shit Disney stopped doing because it was getting stupid.

Nobody treats romance like this anymore, except lazy, hack writers. Even if Sonic was human, or Elise was a mobian herself, it’d be weird. Because the way it’s executed is horrible. They share no chemistry. It’s just the typical Damsel and Hero relationship that is a retired, old cliche that doesn’t work in today’s fiction standards, only with a hedgehog as the hero.

Elise was basically the equivalent of a 13 year old’s fan character. She has Mary Sue-Esque traits, she is made as the overwhelmingly key figure of the plot, she has a rather cringeworthy romance with the protagonist, and she gets kidnapped FOUR FUCKING TIMES in this game. She is probably where Sonic’s story suffered most. Her character overpowered the rest of the plot.

I could have liked this story. I wanted to like this story...but instead of an official Sonic game, it felt more like I was reading a young girl’s fanfiction. Terrible script writing, terrible romance, and Elise’s insufferable character overwhelmed other quality factors.

Silver’s story:

The scene opens as Silver flies (He can fly?!) over the ruins of a lava coated city, narrating his story.

“This world was devastated before I was born. A harsh, bleak place where we live in eternal darkness. Life is a struggle, and people live without hope. How did this happen? No one will answer me directly. But they always point...to the flames. These flames. They burn away at my world, destroying everything in their path. They come from an eternal lifeform that we cannot truly defeat. The Flames of Disaster known as Iblis.”

Silver bitchslaps a pillar of fire. Yes, you read that right, he...bitchslaps fire and destroys it....Ladies and gentlemen, we have officially gone the fuck overboard with Silver’s powers!

No, there’s no redeeming Silver after that. You’re a Mary Sue, kid. The cliche backstory, the being a hedgehog, the fact you beat the main character in a fight, and now you can fucking slap fire?! M-To the A-To the R-To the Y, SUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUE!

There’s nothing that can be done now. As far as I’m concerned, Silver is some mindless concoction by a writer who wanted to make an absolute badass and went bad fanfiction character with it. What next? He fornicates with dragons? He burns down Chuck Norris’ house and pisses on the ashes? Far as I’m concerned, they’ve already established Silver is a fucking OP sack of shit, and there’s no way you can convince me otherwise.

Oh god, we’re not even a minute into Silver’s story, I already flipped out on him. So...Blaze arrives, and alerts Silver that “he’s appeared again!” and Silver zips off. So we’re back in the burned out asshole of the universe that is the future as Silver fights through the hordes of Iblis. Silver and Blaze make their way through the ruins of Generic Lava Apocalypse land while I grab a cup of coffee so I don’t fall asleep looking at this unappealing background of grey and orange, and soon we find Iblis.

Instead of the Generic Looking lava worm we saw in Sonic’s playthrough, Iblis this time is a generic looking lava Godzilla monster. A four armed demon with an orange body and horns vaguely shaped in the form of a sideways S. Never seen that before...Seriously, there isn’t a single original thing about Iblis so far. It’s just a mindless rampaging fire demon with a cliched design.

Silver fights Iblis and manages to defeat him with...rocks. The Flames of Disaster, the mighty Iblis, the destroyer of the world is defeated by ROCKS! All of mankind’s power apparently couldn’t defeat this abomination, but he’s destroyed by fucking rocks!

But that’s not even the stupid part. In the boss fight, guess what Iblis’ weakness is? Go google a picture of him real quick, and I’ll explain. Iblis’ weakness is his head. His armored head. The one part of his body that’s stronger, more reinforced, more protected than the rest of his body...is his weak point.

My god, at least when the Legend of Zelda uses stupid obvious weak points, they make some goddamn sense....

Anyway, Silver gets upset because, while Iblis is defeated for now, he will only return, causing more destruction someday. Endangering the lives of...actually, is there even other people left in this place? All I’ve seen is Silver and Blaze, and they don’t even mention survivors. You don’t see any signs of them, or anything...huh...So for all I know, Silver and Blaze are the only two left in the desperate defense of the future... I’m pretty sure that’s not supposed to be the case, but it’s still kind of an awkward lapse of plot explanation. Probably one of the worst so far.

As Silver questions how Iblis can be defeated for good, Mephiles shows up, and...what the fuck is he doing? He’s just raising his hand into the air and staring at it. Anyway, Mephiles explains that everything in existance has an origin, and to defeat Iblis, Silver must undo the events that created Iblis.

Mephiles’ creepy ass theme song starts playing, showing you you should definitely trust the word of a guy whose music sounds like the theme tune to a 1980’s horror film.

Actually, I’ll give the game credit here, this is a really cool bit of music. It’s creepy as shit.

As it plays, Mephiles stares into the camera, showing you why you should always put your faith in this guy. His colors are faded, he has no mouth, he’s got weird green and purple iris, his pupils look like scars...real trustworthy looking fella.

Okay, so it’s really frickin’ obvious that Mephiles is the villain of the game, but we’ll let it slide on this one. Sega’s never really been known for subtlety in their villains. And all things considered, Mephiles is actually really cool. And if I’m going to state all the ways this game isn’t subtle, I’ll be writing this thing all month. I ’ll give it this, though. It’s not the worst I’ve seen. Least this game didn’t hamfist a motherhood motif and make the main area look like a giant baby’s bottle.

Mephiles reveals he can control time, and can send Silver back in time to prevent Iblis’ birth. In order to do this, Silver must eliminate the one who is destined to awaken Iblis. The Iblis Trigger...You know, everyone makes fun of how stupid this title sounds...I don’t think it’s that bad, really. I’m used to stupid shit from this game by now.

Silver asks Mephiles the question he just fucking answered...Would killing the Iblis Trigger prevent the world’s destruction? Mephiles brushes it off, probably trying to hold back on backhanding Silver for not paying attention. Mephiles apparently keeps a computer where he researches the day of Disaster, and we come up against another detail that makes no sense, but I forgot to mention in Sonic’s playthrough.

This building is completely destroyed. Everything is destroyed in this world. Lava covers the ground, buildings are decrepit and collapsing, and everything in this world should not possibly function...Yet somehow this building has working technology and running power. *Sighs* Whatever, if it gets me through this stupid plot faster, fine. Have your stupid inexplicably working computer, Mephiles.

Mephiles pulls out a Chaos Emerald, which apparently work like Crystal Balls now, because Mephiles implies it’s showing the person responsible for Iblis’ release...Silver looks into it, and sees Sonic! *Gasp!* Actually, Silver looks into it and the screen just flashes to an image of Sonic, instead of making it look like this is being scene through the Emerald.  Man, this shit’s lazy.

Silver says he sees a Blue Hedgehog, and asks if he’s the Iblis Trigger, and...Blaze says that fucking line again...*Eye twitch* Moving on, Mephiles takes his emerald back and sends himself, Silver, and Blaze into the past to find the Iblis Trigger.

Upon arriving in the past, Silver realizes he’s been seperated from Blaze. But apparently losing his best friend doesn’t bother him too much, because he shrugs it off and starts looking for the Iblis Trigger. But first, he takes a look around and says his first horrible line. “Now, I must fight for the future.”

Ugh...That’s just cheesy.

Pointless run through the most clusterfucked design swamp stage ever, with an entirely confusing layout and no sense of direction. I’ve decided to stop going into details on levels in this game because it just slows me down, and this section’s for the story, not the level designs.

The scene cuts to Blaze wandering a beach, and she hopes Silver is okay. Gee, look at that. They gave her a moment to show concern for her friend...Guess Silver’s just an asshole. She whispers the line “Blue Hedgehog” again and lowers her head sadly.

Okay, what the fuck? This is before Sonic Rush, everyone tells me. But this scene clearly demonstrates she already knows Sonic. She can’t be an alternate dimension version of the Blaze from Rush, she knows Sonic. Sonic Rush makes it out like that’s their first time ever meeting, but she’s clearly aware of Sonic in this game. So which is it? Is this before Sonic Rush or not? Because if I’m supposed to believe this is before Sonic Rush, you have created a fucking paradox with this character.

She wouldn’t be sad about the revelation that Sonic is the Iblis Trigger if she doesn’t fucking know him. So I’m sorry. This HAS to be after Sonic Rush. And furthermore, if this IS after Sonic Rush, why is she from the future in this game, and not back in the other dimension that she’s from in Rush!? This character makes no sense!

Also, who puts a bunch of beach cabanas on top of a pillar of rock? The camera just zoomed out to show that Blaze wasn’t on a beach like I thought, but on top of a pillar of rock...Never mind. We go to Wave Ocean AGAIN as Blaze, who shows she’s faster than Sonic in this game...no comment.

Anyway, after Blaze’s level is done, we immediately switch back to Silver, in his version of the scene from the opening where he finds Sonic. Also, in this version of the scene, Silver’s standing on a different building from the one he was on in the other scene.

Silver leaps off the building and is immediately pounced by Amy, who mistake Silver for Sonic...Okay...Let me make a note of this here, that Silver, aside from being a Hedgehog, looks absolutely nothing like Sonic. His fur is silver, not blue, for one. His quills have a completely different pattern, and his gloves and boots don’t even resemble Sonic’s. Sega seems to be trying to make this running gag that Amy mistakes every hedgehog in the series for Sonic. Which of course, works for Shadow, because Shadow doesn’t look that different from Sonic. But Silver...come on...really? You can barely even tell this guy’s a hedgehog anyway, he looks so different from Sonic. This is the same level as mistaking a white person for Morgan Freeman!

And people say “Well, Amy probably just saw a hedgehog and mistook it for Sonic. It’s a common mistake”. Well, that’d make sense if Amy wasn’t a hedgehog herself. Surely she of all people would know Hedgehog =/= Sonic, much like how a human would see another human and not immediately think they were a particular human. Especially since she’s met Shadow, and therefore is aware there’s more than one hedgehog in the world.

Which, I need to stop and say, is one of the reasons people don’t like Amy. In the attempt to make Amy quirky, they made her look stupid...and apparently blind. In the attempt to make her look innocently in love with Sonic, they made her look like a fucking stalker. Every attempted quality of Amy is exaggerated to the point it falls flat on it’s face. This and Amy’s lack of character development outside of these qualities, which I’ll get to when it becomes relevant, make her easily the most hated character of the recurring main cast.

...Makes me miss the days when Sonic’s official love interest was Sally Acorn. I’ve seen fanmade love interests for Sonic done better than this. Hell, I’ll even admit Elise is done better than Amy as an LI for Sonic. At least the game TRIES to make the relationship make sense.

So Amy takes a whole 5 seconds before she can notice that Silver is not Sonic. Yes...It takes her that long. I counted. Silver notices Sonic has vanished, and realizes he needs to go find him again. Amy obliviously agrees to help, not aware that Silver is looking for her unfortunate prey. Although to be fair, if anyone’s good at catching someone who doesn’t want you near them, it’s Amy.

Although apparently somehow in the middle of the scene transition, they changed it to Silver helping Amy find Sonic, even though Amy said she’d help Silver find the person he was looking for. Keep in mind, she has no way of knowing Silver is looking for Sonic. Silver doesn’t know Sonic’s name, so he couldn’t have told her that’s the particular person he was after. He also didn’t even describe him to her.

Silver and Amy wind up in a desert, and Amy says she can sense Sonic’s nearby...that would explain a lot...It’s also really creepy. Amy apologizes and says that once she finds Sonic, she’ll help Silver find whoever he’s looking for. Essentially, Amy’s stalking is so overpowering, she is willing to waste your fucking time to do it. Silver makes a mention that he’s amazed with the world, and how happy everyone is, compared to the future he comes from. He then agrees to help Amy find Sonic...Cuz again...they are not aware they are looking for the same person. Silver is basically putting saving the world on hold just to help Amy’s stalking.

So we go through some ruins...Wait, wouldn’t Sonic still be at Wave Ocean at this point? Oh well...I got bigger plot holes to question. Also, Amy can turn invisible in this game...what? She’s never had that ability before, and she never shows it in the games after this...And it’s not even explained why she can do it here. Consistancy? Explanation? What’s that?

We finish the ruins and suddenly wind up back in the city with no explained transition from the desert to here...meaning that entire level was pointless. No wonder this game was half finished. There was too much focus on shit that proved to have no reason of being there. Silver finds Sonic and immediately attacks him, taking us back to the fight against Silver from Sonic’s playthrough. So we go through this fight again, only as Silver.

The scene plays out exactly like it did in Sonic’s story, with Amy interfering and Sonic leaving her to fight Silver. At this point, let me make it clear Sonic isn’t aware Silver knows and wouldn’t just murder Amy. I mean, Silver randomly attacked Sonic for no reason, and defeated him easily. What’s stopping him from breaking Amy in half?

Well, instead of a fight with Amy now, we are treated to Silver explaining that Sonic is responsible for the destruction of his world. Amy doesn’t believe it, because...the guy you’re obsessed with couldn’t possibly do something like that. Silver tries to explain, but Amy refuses to believe it. She then states that even if it were true, and she had to make a choice between Sonic’s life and you know...the whole world not dying from the wrath of Iblis...She’d choose Sonic, and the world can go eat a dick for all she cares.

And this is why nobody likes Amy, and if you see anyone that tries to explain Amy’s obsession with Sonic doesn’t defy rational thought, just tell them about this scene. Where Amy is willing to let the world burn because she’s in love with the man who causes the apocalypse.

I know this scene was supposed to look sweet, but the line here is “If I had to choose between the world and Sonic, I would choose Sonic.” Basically, Amy’s obsession throughout the series has finally come full circle, and proven without a doubt, that the writers have taken this shit way too far. Her character has become unredeemably bad, because this scene proves, without a shadow of a doubt, that Amy only exists as a character, to stalk Sonic, and there is literally NOTHING else to her but that. No sense of humanity, no concern for lives, nothing. Just Sonic.

Fuck. This. Pink. Bitch! And I thought Aerith was a shitty love interest character. Apparently I wrote a rant about the wrong fucking character!

This isn’t love, this is mental illness. Amy’s going to risk putting the lives of everyone in danger just so she can be with Sonic, a person who time and time again, has shown he wants nothing to do with her. This is...Harley Quinn shit! This is not the behavior of a normal, sane woman.

Throughout the series, it’s been hinted she concerns herself only with Sonic, but not here! IT’s out in the open now!  You can’t fight it anymore, Amy fans. She just proved flat out, everything her haters say about her. This isn’t some innocent school girl crush, this is the fifth stage of mental decay brought on by delusion and attachment to something she can’t have. Amy needs help. She needs a doctor. A therapist, shock treatment, something! She is not sane enough to be left on her own, at the point! GET THIS BITCH HELP! Or a straightjacket, something!

So Amy leaves Silver alone to go doom the world, and the scene transitions. Silver is now sitting on the dock of the bay, watchin’ the tide roll away. He’s just sitting on the dock of the bay, wasting time...

Blaze appears, having finally found Silver, and the two talk. Silver questions if killing someone to save the world is really the right thing to do...Umm...Well, considering it’s a choice between dooming 1 guy and 7 billion people, I’d say...yeah. Yes it is. Throw your morals out the window, kid, we’re talking statistics here, and a few billion is a bigger number than one.

Blaze reinforces my point. Thank you, Blaze.

Silver decides he must kill Sonic after all and says that since Sonic is going to fight Eggman, they should go to his base. Wait...how does he know who Eggman is? How does he know Sonic went to the base? How does he know where the base is? This is another evident plot hole which they never explain. Yeah, Silver caught a brief glance of Eggman when he kidnapped Elise, but it’s not like Eggman was wearing a nametag and mumbling about where his fortress is.

So we’re back to White Acropolis to sneak into the snow base Sonic broke into earlier. You know? The area that’s a really cold place to have a base? That one. They get into the base, and the game rehashes the Egg Genesis from Sonic’s story...Lot of reuses from Sonic’s story in this.

And no, to clarify, the Egg Genesis is not a flying Sega Genesis. Although that would make this fight slightly better.

The Genesis is destroyed, and Silver finds the blue chaos emerald in the snow...convenient. Blaze tells him to keep it, so he does.

We cut away to Amy, who I’m guessing is in Eggman’s base now, judging from the hallway she’s in...they don’t explain. She runs into Elise who is just walking around Eggman’s base completely unmonitored...An alarm goes off saying that Elise has escaped from the cell she just nonchalantly walked out of...

Yet another scene skip as they’re wandering the streets now. Want to know how they escaped? So the fuck would I. They introduce themselves to eachother, and Amy immediately wonders if Elise is the princess of Soleana...Yes, because her outfit definitely does not imply she might be royalty...

Elise explains the reason she escaped instead of waiting to be rescued was because someone, clearly Sonic, told her “Nothing starts until you take action”. Really? I don’t remember him ever saying that...

Amy asks if Elise has feelings for this person...No, Amy, that should not be the first question you jump to after finding out you’re in the presence of royalty that was just held hostage by a madman. In fact, why did that even cross your mind in this situation? Elise denies it, and Amy babbles on about how great being in love is, and how it changes everything...

You think this is bad? I had to WATCH this scene, you just read me casually talk about it. Pity me.

To make this scene even more sickening, Amy randomly starts sparkling. Amy starts asking more questions, like what’s the guy look like? Has Elise been on a date with him? Not things like...hey, do you want to go home? Are you alright? Do you need to talk about the horrifying experience you were just in?

Then again, didn’t I just say that Amy’s clearly not sane and doesn’t give a shit about people’s wellbeing?

Elise continues to deny being in love, and Amy still doesn’t back off, saying one way love is so cute! I’m imagining a sniper laser on Amy’s forehead right now.... She continues to babble about this shit, mentions she’s in love too, wishes them both luck, and they end the scene giggling.

Oh...that was painful. Thank god that’s over.

For no explained reason, Amy suddenly has to defeat enemies that are attacking Elise! ...Isn’t this supposed to be Silver’s story?

There is another transition to the castle in Soleana, which I gotta admit, looks kind of cool. A whole pack of robots attack Elise, who is on her own suddenly for no reason, and Eggman appears to kidnap her yet again. Yeah. Amy just randomly vanished.

Where the hell is the security in this goddamn town? I’m pretty sure Elise gets kidnapped in this game more than Zelda does the entire Legend of Zelda series.

Anyway, Robotnik takes Elise away, yet again, and we get yet another scene transition. Silver and Blaze find Mephiles staring at the ground for some reason, and Silver asks Mephiles why Sonic destroys the world. Mephiles pretty much tells him to shut his bitch mouth, and get on with killing him already. The future won’t change without Sonic dead.

Mephiles then explains that Sonic is at the Terminal Station, and if Silver wants to kill him, this is his chance. Mephiles then exits stage right, and Silver and Blaze head out to the train station. Silver has to sneak into the area, avoiding the Soleana guards...Why? Don’t even ask, you’re not going to get an answer. But he makes it there.

This is the same area where Sonic was chasing the train with Elise onboard. So we get a reuse of the cutscene where Silver attacks Sonic a second time, and again, Shadow shows up, and Silver mistakes Shadow for Mephiles. If you’re expecting me to insult Silver’s intelligence here? He gets a free pass. Remember, Mephiles is just a recolor of Shadow’s character model with no mouth.

He questions why Mephiles is getting in the way this time, and Shadow introduces himself. By the way, I’m just going to say that Shadow has the only decently rendered character model of the three hedgehogs. So Silver fights Shadow as Sonic flees, and this is basically a rehash of when Silver fought Sonic. Shadow has a couple more attacks than Sonic, though.

Shadow uses a chaos emerald like a badass. He freezes time, walks behind Silver, and kicks him in the back of the head, planting Silver right into the dirt. This scene is hilarious. Also, Silver somehow knows how to use Chaos Control, the same time manipulation ability Shadow just used, and this, along with Shadow doing it at the same time to try and cancel him out, creates a portal to the past. Love how time travel can be so plot convenient, eh?

S hadow explains to Silver that Mephiles is trying to manipulate Silver, to “eliminate the past”. We’ll get to how Shadow knows this when his story’s up. Shadow tells Silver that, if he wishes to understand the truth, he should follow Shadow through the portal, to an incident that occurred ten years ago. Oh, so it was Shadow who made that portal, that didn’t just happen...Wow. They actually made something in this plot clear for once.

Silver agrees, and the two jump inside. The two land ten years in the past, into a lab of some kind. An experiment appears to be going on, using complex machinery. Scientists struggle to contain the energy flowing through a machine, but the containment field won’t hold against the overwhelming power. The duke of Soleana is part of the experiment, demanding to know why Solaris isn’t obeying him. Well, gee, if I was the God of Time, I’d be pretty pissed you were trying to control me too, wouldn’t you say?

A child Elise runs into the room at this point, and the Duke shields her with his body as the machine explodes. Shadow and Silver run to investigate. Shadow checks on the Duke, while Silver notices a glowing orange ball. Somehow, he knows this is supposed to be Iblis. A blank, oily substance seeps out of the machine as well, which Shadow reveals is Mephiles. Both Iblis and Mephiles escape the room, and Silver and Shadow split up to capture them. Shadow chases Mephiles while Silver goes after Iblis. This scene is basically a bad attempt to explain Mephiles and Iblis’ origins. Basically, they’re both two halves of the power of Solaris, split apart by the experiment. But hey, at least SOMETHING gets explained in Silver’s story for a change.

Before they depart, the Duke temporarily awakens, and hands a strange sceptre to Shadow. He says this can seal Mephiles. Gee, so he just HAPPENS to have a sceptre, that just HAPPENS to be useful in this situation, and also just happens to work on Mephiles, a creature that didn’t exist until just fucking now. How fucking stupid can this writing get?!

Silver chases Iblis through the lab, and uses his psychic powers to stun Iblis in place. The Duke then appears, carrying the unconscious Elise, and says it’s his duty to keep the Flames of Disaster sealed away. He just happens to have a Chaos Emerald, and uses it to seal Iblis inside Elise. See, this is why Elise is important in all of this. Iblis is sealed inside of her. Essentially, Robotnik wants to harness the powers of Iblis for his own gain, and he needs Elise so he can siphon it out of her. Finally this plot is explained in full.

The Duke oddly enough after being in an explosion, shows no injuries in this scene as he hands Elise over to Silver who, despite Silver being probably six inches shorter than Elise, doesn’t seem to have trouble holding her. The Duke then tells Elise to never cry, no matter what happens. If she cries, Iblis will be released.

Okay...Elise is like what, 8 years old in this scene? Kind of a tall order for a child of this age to never cry. I mean, children cry all the time, and not always for a rational reason. It’s kind of hard to believe that a girl this age isn’t going to ever cry. I remember being a kid, and crying from a sprained ankle. And even if Elise holds back the tears, it’s not that easy. You’re going to cry, even if you fight it. If your body’s set on crying, that’s the end of it. I have a hard time believing that not once in 10 years did Elise cry. Not to mention that’s a dumb catch for a curse. That if she cries even once, then Iblis will be freed.

The world could be doomed the first time Elise watches a sad movie. The Titanic could very well potentially be the Iblis Trigger!

And finally...how the hell did the Duke know this curse works like this? IT’s not like there’s a manual on Sealing Fragments of a Time God’s soul inside children. Did he CHOOSE this as the catch for the curse, despite how convoluted it sounds and how easy it’d be to break the seal? Or does Iblis get sealed away on a regular basis, enough for someone to know how this works? This scene makes absolutely no goddamn sense!

Anyway, the Duke dies in this scene. Shadow and Silver exit the lab with Elise, with Shadow holding the sceptre that now contains Mephiles. Shadow leaves it behind, saying that he already knows what becomes of it in the future. Again...I’ll explain this in Shadow’s story.

Silver leaves Elise resting beside a tree with the sceptre beside her. And the two, finished with their work here, leave. But first, Silver leaves the Blue Chaos Emerald with Elise, and then jumps through the portal. Now here, another plot hole arrives. Remember that Elise isn’t allowed to cry. However, she was unconscious during the scene where her father explains she can’t cry. Hell, she was unconscious since the explosion. There are several reasons this fucks things up.


  • How does Elise know about Iblis? He didn’t exist until after the explosion that knocked Elise out., and the only two people who know of his existance are dead or went ten years into the future.
  • How does Elise know not to cry? She was never told that during a point where she was awake. And the only 2 people who know this is how the seal works are, again, dead or went 10 years into the future, so they couldn’t possibly have told her.
  • She seriously didn’t cry when she found out her damn father is dead?!

Anyway, just another chalk mark on the wall of plot holes in this game, I guess. Let’s move on. Silver just happens to drop right in front of Blaze, who asks him what he saw in the past...how does she know that he went back into the past? *Sighs* Goddammit, game. Silver’s answer is that is turns out Sonic is not the Iblis Trigger after all.

Suddenly, a roar of screaming happens in the background, and Blaze mentions the Elise left for Robotnik’s lab after his threat we talked about back in Sonic’s story. Silver decides he needs to help stop Robotnik’s plan so Iblis can’t potentially be freed by Robotnik, and they leave to go after him. For some reason, Silver has to do his own trials of Soleanna.

First trial is to save the captured Blaze within the time limit, second Trial is answer three questions, and third trial is destroy all enemies without using Silver’s ability to throw things at enemies.

Moving on! An eagle comes and takes Silver to the portal to the next level, and we get the reuse of the scene where Silver destroys the Eggman robots and has his conversation where he tells Sonic he’s helping him now. So now Silver has to go through Kingdom Valley, the castle from Sonic’s playthrough. Yet another reused scene, we see the Egg Carrier crash, Sonic screams out Elise, and Sonic jumps back in time. Silver and Blaze go back to the future through THE SAME PORTAL, and end up back in their own time.

Silver states that he now knows how to defeat Iblis for good, using the Silver Emerald he got from the Duke of Soleanna, (Doesn’t really show Silver getting the emerald from him, so sorry I didn’t mention it) and the green one Sonic handed to him before going into the past. With the two emeralds in hand, Silver and Blaze decide to go fight Iblis one last time.

After going through the lava level again, Silver gets to a volcano where Iblis is resting, and we’re treated to...the same Iblis fight from the start of Silver’s story...*Facepalms* Well, okay, there is one difference...This time, we’re ripping off the final boss from Yoshi’s Island!

So Iblis is defeated again, and Silver tries to use the Chaos Emeralds to seal Iblis inside himself. However, Iblis’ power won’t accept Silver as the vessel. Due to this, Blaze is instead the one to make the sacrifice, as she’s already one with the power of fire, which the game kind of glanced over, but yeah, Blaze can wield fire, as demonstrated in this game and Sonic Rush, which seems to make her the perfect host for Iblis’ flames.

Blaze absorbs Iblis’ power, and demands that Silver use the emeralds to seal Blaze into a different dimension, so Iblis can no longer harm the world. Silver naturally protests this, but Blaze reminds him that he already vowed to save the world at any price. Silver still protests, saying he needs Blaze in his life...Umm, Sega, it’s a little late to start a romance between these two.

Blaze realizes that Silver can’t possess the strength to banish his best friend, so Blaze sends herself into the other dimension. She wishes Silver good luck before vanishing into the other world, which according to Sega interviews, is meant to show how she ended up in another dimension pre-Sonic RUsh...

....WHAT?! So this IS BEFORE Sonic Rush?! How...did she know...BLUE HEDGEHOG!

  • We apologize for the inconvenience. Locke has just suffered a mental Blue Screen of Death*

Oh my god, in all my years as a gamer, I have NEVER seen such a halfassed character story as THAT! Blaze’s existance contradicts itself! Man...that’s...DUMB! How could anyone make a mistake that fucking bad?!

Anyway...Blaze disappears, and with Iblis finally gone, the clouds of smoke part, and the sun finally shines upon the world. Congratulations, Silver! You saved the world...Too bad you’re apparently the only person left in it, dude.

Silver mourns the loss of his friend, and the credits roll. And I gotta admit, the song played here? Pretty fucking awesome. No seriously, look it up. It’s called Dreams of an Absolution, and it’s easily my favorite character theme from the Sonic series. Yes, I actually like something from Silver’s storyline.

Locke’s opinions: That was AWFUL. This is probably one of the worst story arcs I’ve ever seen in my life, and I’ve seen some doozies. Nothing makes sense, there’s transitions that have no explanations, entire scenes are completely pointless, and worst of all, the facts of the story contradict themselves, especially the explanation behind Blaze in this game.

It doesn’t help that I found Silver to be an incredible boring character, and it’s even worse because from a gameplay standing, his controls are terrible. Not to mention he’s obviously a lame expy of Trunks from Dragonball Z, with not only the same backstory and time travel plot, but he even has the same voice actor.

Between countless plot holes, terrible transitions where important details are left out, conflicting plot details, lazy writing, and annoying characters, especially the shit with Amy, there is no hope for Silver’s storyline. Which is unfortunate, because while I don’t like Silver, he had potential. Iblis could have been cool, if he wasn’t cliche. Probably the only likable thing in Silver’s story is Mephiles, who despite being about as subtle as a nuclear explosion, is a pretty cool, shady villain. Thankfully, he appears more in Shadow’s story.

But all in all, Silver’s story actually makes Sonic’s look decent. This isn’t hack writing. Even hacks don’t make the mistakes made in this storyline. This is just...unbelievably bad. I almost dread Shadow’s story, because I don’t want to risk it being even worse than this!

Silver’s story sucks. Sorry Silver. You got screwed. But at least you got the best theme song out of all the characters.

One more story to go.

Shadow's story:

We open up at the White Acropolis Base with an air raid siren going off in the distance. A large group of robots begin firing into the forest as Shadow blitzes through, somehow not getting hit by a single bullet. He zips in between the robots, making them explode somehow, and hops 80 feet in the air over the wall of the base.

Fucking showoff...

Shadow hides behind an oil drum, and gets a call on a wrist communicator saying that there's an SOS coming from Dr. Eggman's basse. Apparently Shadow works for the government now. Want to know when this started?

...Bad reader, you should know this game's too cool to explain itself.

The government operator mentions that their last communication with the agent who went into Eggman's base hasn't been heard from in 26 hours, and that Shadow is to rescue them. Shadow begins his mission.

Okay, I was trying to hold off on a Metal Gear Solid joke, but we have a military facility in a snowy region being infiltrated by a gruff voiced agent whose name starts with an S. Ladies and Gentlemen, this place is basically Shadow Moses. Shadow uses Chaos Control to teleport, and mission start.

Halfway through the level, you suddenly switch to playing as Rouge. Ooookay...I'm assuming she was the captive government agent Shadow had to rescue. But umm...Sega? You forgot to put a cutscene here.

Also, if you're hoping I'm going to make fun of Rouge's personality, call her a succubus or something of that manner, don't bother. Sorry to disappoint, but I actually like Rouge. Hey, I got to like someone in this storyline, or this is going to be a long day. Although I will admit, her character model...doesn't look right in this game. I can't put my finger on what's off about it, though.

So Shadow and Rouge walk through White Acropolis, and Rouge seems to be holding the sceptre Shadow used on Mephiles in Silver's storyline. She asks if Shadow wants to know what it is, but Shadow doesn't care. More of Eggman's robots appear to stop their exit, too.

Giga-Poochie comes back, so it's time for yet another reused boss.

After that fight, Shadow and Rouge fall through a teleportation beam, and appear inside some kind of computer room. Okay...Seriously? You're going to start with this crap already, game? At least show them getting teleported away, don't just suddenly start dropping them into random rooms. The teleportation is never explained. Ever.

But what did I expect, at this point?

Rouge looks at a map of Soleana on a computer and starts forcing in exposition about the town, Elise, and the trades of the city while Shadow stares at a portrait of Elise. None of which are particularly interesting. Shadow asks why Eggman's base leads to this room, a cheap way of trying to explain the teleportator they used off screen was in Eggman's base. Rouge doesn't know, and says her orders were only to retrieve the sceptre.

She asks for Shadow to escort her to Kingdom Valley, the GUN rendezvous point. Yeah, if you're not a Sonic fan, GUN is a really unsubtle name for a military branch of the government in Sonic canon.

Shadow starts off Kingdom Valley on a hang glider. Where did he get the hang glider? A good question. Is the game ever going to answer that? No. But see, this is his shtick. He's a government agent, so he needs cool vehicle sections...Whether he actually needs the vehicle or not.

So Secret Agents Bat and Hedgehog get into the former throne room of the ruined castle, and Rouge forces more exposition. This used to be the castle of the Soleana Royal Family, but an accident occurred here ten years ago that killed the king, and no one's lived here since.

What...King?! I thought he was a duke! They seriously botched up one of the characters' ranks of power? There is a difference between a king and a duke! Actually, when you think about it, he SHOULD have been the king. If Elise is the ruler of the kingdom, (God knows why she's still a princess if that's the case) and she's his heir, that makes that the Duke of Soleana was supposed to be a king!

Ladies and gentlemen, we have just discovered that SEGA has no idea how ranks of nobility work. A duke is not a king. It is a position beneathe the King. The duke answers to the King. They are not the same thing.

Gee, and I was starting to wonder when this game would start revealing its bad writing in Shadow's story.

Oh, and that accident Rouge mentioned? Yeah, it's the one from Silver's story. Kind of kills the mystery considering I've already revealed that.

Also, this castle's pretty run down for being vacant for only 10 years. I was starting to think this place has been empty for centuries, given it's state. We have forts from the Revolution that aren't this run down.

Rouge begins to explain what the title of the experiment that caused the accident was when Eggman finishes her sentence. "The Solaris Project". Yeah, apparently Eggman sneaked his way into the castle. Guess he must have masked the sound of his vehicle's engine behind the overwhelming sound of dead silence in this castle.

Also...Little note here. Cutting off someone else's sentence and having the villain finish it for them stopped being clever back in the 80's. Now it just makes the character look like a rude asshole.

Eggman begins explaining that the project was named after the eternal Sun God, Solaris. Boy, this cutscene just keeps fucking up, doesn't it? Suddenly Solaris isn't the God of Time, he's the God of the Sun.

Eggman demands that the Sceptre Shadow and Rouge have been carrying be given to him, but they refuse. In a struggle against Eggman's robots, Rouge is struck by Eggman's hover vehicle and the Sceptre falls from her hand, breaking upon hitting the ground. Wow...you'd think they'd make the key to containing Mephiles a little stronger than a glass bottle...But hey, logic does not get in the way of forced plot progression here! This is how experts completely phone in the story.

Mephiles escapes from the sceptre as a black smoke monster. And before you ask, no, he doesn't start singing Toxic Love. Although that would make this scene a lot better, if you ask me.

Eggman retreats while Mephiles destroys the robots, and the wisp possesses Shadow's...shadow. Mephiles begins to form into his normal Shadow recolor state, (Kudos for at least explaining why he looks like that) and laughs about the irony that he's been resurrected through Shadow. Shadow isn't aware of what Mephiles is talking about or how he even knows him, and demands an explanation.

Mephiles seems to be having trouble keeping his massive noggin lifted up as he introduces himself, because he spends the whole scene looking at the ground. It's okay, Mephiles, Shadow's got a giant head, I'm not surprised you aren't used to the weight. Go ahead and keep staring at the floor there.

(By the way, this isn't a glitch, Mephiles is supposed to stand like this.)

Actually, I will admit, the way Mephiles stands like this and how he doesn't so much walk as shamble about like a zombie does look extremely creepy. Shadow starts getting EXTREMELY creeped out as Mephiles begins taunting him, getting eeriely close to the hedgehog's face before he suddenly teleports them away on a "One way ticket to Oblivion".

God, Mephiles is cool. What the hell is he doing in THIS game?

(Eh, I think this is a good place to stop for now. I have other things to do. I'll get back on this this afternoon)

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